While watching some shows on huluplus, I noticed this commercial being used every commercial break. Since my focus is often on carseats, the first timeI noticed I thought, “oh, good, some ok carseat use in a commercial” (not fabulous in the snug harness department- but pretty good). The next time I saw it I saw that this commercial does a horrible thing to fathers. The job of the dad does not begin in the car. Unless, of course, that is where he conceived the baby! wink wink.
If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching this father get neglected and pushed into the background during his baby’s birth and first days in the hospital- here you go.
So Dads, this is for you.
Dad, your fatherhood does not start with buckling your baby into the car. Not only should you be there with your wife every step of the way through her pregnancy and birth- it’s your JOB and your right to be there.
So here is my tips for Dads, who I know often get pushed into the background during birth and are an afterthought to the hospital staff during your baby’s arrival.
1- Talk to your spouse/ baby mama
Let her know that you want to be involved in the birth process. Yes, birth is very mom and baby focused. After all, it is very physically demanding on both of them, but you exist in this process too and deserve to be recognized. You may not even be sure what that means yet for you to be involved in the birth but that is ok and exactly why you need to speak to the pregnant mama of your baby and figure out how you two want to bring this baby into the world and how you can be part of this journey with her.
2- Go to some prenatal appointments
I get you may not be able to be there every 4 weeks but try to make a range. An early on appointment in the first trimester to hear that heartbeat and initially meet the OB/MW. If you have questions, ask them. Don’t sit back in the corner and try to make yourself invisible. Be there and present and an active part of the discussion with mom and doctor. Also, try to make a 2nd tri appointment and a end of pregnancy appointment. You’d be surprised how different each appointment is and how different stages of pregnancy can really bring up different topics in the doctors office. Also, putting yourself out there and being involved in this way shows the staff that you are that dad who wants to be involved and active with your wife and her birth.
3- Be in the birth plan
Make sure you and your role in the birth are a topic in your baby mama’s birth plan! It should state that YOU are her support person and who she wants with her and near her while going through whatever her birth may bring.
4- Consider getting a doula
I know men often get skeptical about the role of the doula and fear that she will be replacing him but that simply is not what she does. She will help make sure that you do not get shoved into the background. If your wife is going through a rough moment in her birth and you freeze up or are not sure what to do, she will suggest some ways that you can be there and help her through. Also, her presence will allow you to use the bathroom from time to time without leaving laboring mom alone.
5- Speak up!
Unless the baby has some immediate NICU needs, do not let the hospital staff bully you into feeling like your baby is not your baby. You do not need to prove anything to them. You do not need to wait until an official release. Your baby is yours, not the nursery staff’s baby. And trust me, they sometimes like to make parents feel like they have no rights over their own baby, but you do! Tell them, you want your baby. Tell them, you insist on staying with your baby at all times or that you will be holding and helping mom with baby during the night. You are that baby’sfather and fatherhood does not wait until you leave the hospital. You are the father IN the hospital too and if you aren’t being recognized as your baby’s dad, you need to speak up.
6. Believe in yourself
TV shows and general cultural perspective may have you believing that you are the second class parent or not as intelligent or don’t have the parental instincts you need to raise a kid. Those are lies. I know you probably weren’t given as many baby dolls to practice on as a child as your female counterpart but trust yourself. You can hold your baby and rock your baby and play with your baby and soothe your baby when they cry. Believe in yourself that you are a great father and practice great fatherhood through the entire pregnancy by being a caring and involved husband (or boyfriend/partner) to your baby mama. 🙂
You are dad!
Thank you to all the amazing Dads who allowed me to use their photos.